January 2008
47 posts
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The Harvard Crimson: The University Daily...
Photo and caption from the front page of today’s Crimson: The snow-laden steps and regal columns of Mrs. Widener’s voluminous library sit serene in Monday’s evening gloom, framed by a pair of skeletal trees, mercilessly stripped of their foliage by the winter cold.
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Blast from the Past
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New "Mitt and Match" Romney Offered On Ballots
South Carolina—In a move to recapture support for their flagging campaign, Romney staff announced today that they were adding a new “Mitt and Match” Romney offering to the ballot in upcoming primary states. “Do you miss pro-choice Romney but like his new immigration stance? Now you can have both,” said senior staffer Mark Duhamel. “Prefer a president who doesn’t mind the gays? Or one who really,...
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Hogwarts: A Harv-istory
[The scene is outside of Annenberg. It’s a gloomy, muggy morning. Inside, a Harvard janitor is brushing up dirt with his broom. Nikita, an international student from Massachusetts and Charles, a husky football player (black guy) are walking to get breakfast at the crack of dawn. Molly lags behind them. Something in the air suggests life, now that JK Rowling will the commencement speaker,...
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How I Once Convinced a French Girl I Was Gay
French Girl: Oh, Derek. You are ze light of my life! Derek: But I’ve just met you. French Girl: I’m not sure what eet eez you are sayink, but yes, I love you too. Derek: I don’t think you understand. French Girl: Understand? Derek: Billie Ray was a preacher’s son. French Girl: Billie-ray? Derek: And when his daddy would visit, he’d come along. French Girl: Em…...
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Something We Missed From Primal Scream
This Cabot Library security guard was interviewed and photographed at Primal Scream by the Crimson. He said: I just finished my shift at [Cabot] library. I’ve worked here for 18 years, and this is the first time I have seen this.If he’s so innocent, then WHY IS HE HOLDING A CAMERA?!?!
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Manuscript of Rowling speech leaked
An excerpt from J.K. Rowling’s 2008 commencement speech: “As you depart from Harvard, just remember that you’ve already failed. If you didn’t solve the world’s problems while you were here (or during your gap year), you probably never will. All of you idealists who studied Arabic or Chinese, hoping to promote peace or serve your country or understand conflicting...
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Beating the System, Fall 2007 Version
Today was the Crimson’s semesterly reprinting of Donald Carswell ‘50’s op-ed on beating the final exam system and an anonymous grader’s reply. Here I offer my own version of how to “beat the system.” Worried about an upcoming exam? Have no fear: I’m here to tell you how to score high without knowing anything at all. It all depends upon the format of the...
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Romney Headlines
Romney rejects Medicare Romney rejects Medicaid Romney rejects SCHIP Romney rejects kiss
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Congratulations to OHT's Newest Staff Writers!
Today, the current Staff Writers met and selected Alexander Copulsky ‘10 and Joseph Shivers ‘10 to be our newest Staff Writers, and newest contributors to the blog. Congratulations to them both!
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People Behind Me in the Movie Theater Last Night
Person Behind Me in the Movie Theater 1: Dude, have you ever had a paper cut under your fingernail? Person Behind Me in the Movie Theater 2: Uh, yeah. I think. Once? Person Behind Me in the Movie Theater 1: I have one. Person Behind Me in the Movie Theater 2: Yeah? Person Behind Me in the Movie Theater 1: It really hurts.
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Amazingness. In the Form of a Prank.
Last year, the Jack-O-Lantern, a humor magazine at Dartmouth (a school known for their hard partying - their mascot is Keggy the Keg), organized what has to be one of the best college pranks of all time, called “Drinkin’ Time.” They get major bonus points for pulling it on an unsuspecting tour group. Enjoy! (the actual prank starts about 1:45 in) I love the tour guide...
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Apple Unveils the MacBook Air
January 15th, 2008 SAN FRANCISO, California - Steve Jobs, the techno-wizard responsible for introducing the world to the iPod and the iPhone, revealed Apple’s newest product, MacBook Air, generating much excitement, anticipation, and fist-pumping. “When you listen to music, you’re probably using an Apple product. When you’re answering a phone call, you’re probably...
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Another Reason to Work for Facebook
Thought I’d share the really clever business cards the folks at Facebook use: (Found at 2spare.com) Also, much better than the business cards we give out here at On Harvard Time:
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What Really Causes Global Warming
A: Did you hear Al Gore won the Nobel Peace Prize for fighting global warming? B: I can’t believe he won this. I mean, many reputable scientists believe the whole Global Warming thing is just a climate cycle. Imagine us looking back ten years from now and thinking we gave a Nobel to some overweight guy who couldn’t even beat George W. Bush for the presidency. A: So you’re...
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I Always Knew Barack Obama Would Have His Head...
I just expected that woman to be Hillary Clinton. Photo from the New York Times.
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ReMission!
Today I read the Boston Globe! I love reading the newspaper! I found an article about a new video game for child cancer patients, called ReMission. Apparently, “the HopeLab game lets young patients imagine themselves as heroic cancer warriors, swimming through the body of a sick child and defeating the monster that threatens his life.” I’m not making this up. Here’s what...
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Weld 43 Vignette
Roommate 1’s drunk gentleman friend leads me by hand to Roommate 2’s bed, currently occupied by Roommate 2. ROOMMATE 1’s DRUNK GENTLEMAN FRIEND [To me]: Do you know how you tell if a bed is dirty? ME: How? ROOMMATE 1’s DRUNK GENTLEMAN FRIEND [Lifting a corner of Roommate 2’s comforter, to her consternation]: You run your hand along the sheet. ME: …and? ROOMMATE...
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Primal Scream Graph
This is my final research project for Statistics 160 class. Thanks to all who participated, sorry about the cold ruler.
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Um...
…my friend was That Guy who fell during Primal Scream. Onto the ground. While naked. Although I’ve promised to keep him anonymous, he wants to make sure I give his side of the story. Here’s what he told me, in his own words:Tell them I didn’t slip on ice or trip over my own feet. I was pushed and I rolled and kept running very fast and survived with minor injuries because...
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"Now Let Me Show You... the Shape of My Heeeeart"
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HAI I CAN HAS SHAKEZPEER PLZ
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you… lolHamlets. Via the providence of a lolcat generator and my Lit and Arts A-35 final - this counts as studying, right?
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The Girl Scouts Selling Cookies Outside CVS are...
1. “I’ll hold on to my goods until I get the money.” 2. “One second, let me ask my girl scout leader (read: pimp) if that’s okay…” 3. “No, we’re out of Thin Mint cookies. But, if you’re good, I can give you a Tagalong for less…” 4. “No? Well, if you don’t want that- my Do-si-dos are delicious.” 5. “I...
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Huck-a-Burger Madness
This just came out over the Dems-Talk list from Markus Kolic ‘09 (I don’t know why I keep writing the years), and I just had to post it. It comes from this Time Magazine article about a Mike Huckabee event at a restaurant in New Hampshire: The fans of rival candidate Ron Paul shout “Tax Hike Mike” over the Huck boosters, who scream “We Like Mike,” and the press...
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Analogy
My roommate complaining to me about her inability to choose amongst men is like someone complaining to a person who has spent years crawling through the desert, dying of thirst, about how hard it is to choose between Coke and Diet Coke.
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Turns Out My Red Phone Still Isn't a Ninja Star
Just trying to keep you informed.
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Whilst Studying For My Social Analysis 34 Final
If any of our readers plan to shop Knowledge of Language next semester, allow me to dispel any misgivings you may have: The ability to refer to yourself as a “cunning linguist” never gets old.
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New-Age Mascots
Harvard’s students have always been plagued by one big issue: racism (also, those damn macacas are everywhere.) The second biggest issue, however, has been the problem with our mascot. What the hell is a Harvard Crimson? After an informal poll of me and my stuffed tiger, we’ve got some suggestions for the new-age Harvard Crimson mascot:
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I Bang in My White T
This election season has many Americans asking, “Who will I vote for?”. But for 18-24 year olds, it has them asking, “Whose humorous t-shirt will I wear? Lol.” As of yet, Urban Outfitters has cornered the market with their funny and faded “Barack & Roll” shirt. Political, punny, and populist. If you are looking for more in your trendy Ts than your local...
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Leading Scientists Posit "Uncle Fred" Theory of...
Cambridge, Mass—In a press conference yesterday, leading scientists from the Foundation for the Study of Human Evolution set out a revised theory of evolution. This theory, the Natural Imbecility Method of Adaptation, nicknamed the “Uncle Fred” theory, suggests a new explanation for the many adaptations in the human race over the millennia. “We’re certainly not denying the changes that lie at...
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HUDS, UHS Join Forces to Combat Scurvy with...
Friday, January 11th, 2008 CAMBRIDGE, Massachusetts - After the tragic death of Harvard student, Frederick Johnson, due to scurvy, Harvard University Dining Hall Services (HUDS) has joined forces with University Health Services (UHS) to combat a disease that, experts say, kills tens of people each year. Frederick Johnson, the last recorded Harvard student to die of scurvy, was only 21 years old...
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A History of Harvard Comedy
A history of Harvard comedy: 1636 - John Harvard arrives in Massachusetts and disembarks from the boat from England. Slips on a banana peel. 1672 - After much debate, Leonard Hoar is elected President of Harvard University due to his funny last name and the possibility of a building or dormitory being named after him. Hoar, however, only narrowly defeats Isiaih Titicaca, Sir Thomas Raper, and...
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Hooray for Citrus Day!
I’d like to thank HUDS for setting up those citrus tables in the dining halls today, because they resulted in me getting to see my roommate (who’s a Physics major and has, like, 15 exams next week) procrastinating by juggling two kumquats and a stress ball that, because he’s colorblind, he thought was blue for the last three years until I broke the news to him today that...
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Ode To My (Possibly Dead) Bonsai Tree
I had you in my dorm room, Bonsai Tree. You were crazy pimp. I imported you, the last Bonsai Tree in the shop, from far, far away. I punched a British tourist in Chinatown for you. At least I think he was British (could have been Scottish). For months you brought me joy. And ass. Lots of ass. Girls loved you! For months, I cared you, talked to you, watered you. Okay, watered you every few days....
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B is for Barack
Senator Joe Biden’s comments in February calling Obama the “first mainstream African -American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy,” had people questioning how ‘black’ Obama really was. Even Time magazine asked “Is Obama Black Enough?” Well I’d say this picture of Obama at age 12 speaks a thousand words. Don’t...
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Breaking Weld Hall News
I, elegantly pajama-clad and bracingly stinky, was just interrupted from an intense study session of The Office by several members of Yard Ops. Apparently, the gutter under my window was clogged, a fact that I have - naturally - taken personally. Always the good sport, I moved my dead plants and alarm clock off the sill and relocated to the common room. Several seconds after the men entered my...
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Turns Out My Red Phone Isn't a Ninja Star
Just fyi.
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Alternate Crimson Headlines of the Day
From Page 5: Harvard Professors Care So Much For the 23rd time in 25 years, the Faculty of Arts and Sciences (FAS) will skip its January meeting. From Page 1: Harvard Students Care So Much
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LawrenceLowellCat
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John v. John
Yesterday Senator John F. Kerry announced his endorsement of Democratic presidential candidate, Barack H. Obama. This comes as a shock to former Senator John R. Edwards, who was Kerry’s running mate in the 2004 presidential election. Following the announcement, Edwards placed a phone call to Kerry. [ring ring] Kerry: This is JFK, talk to me. Edwards: Hey John, it’s John. Kerry: Oh....
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H Bomb Interviews Dennis Kucinich
You read that right. If you haven’t heard, H Bomb, Harvard’s “sexuality and gender journal” (read: “soft-core porn magazine”) is being revived, and has a new edition coming out in the spring. In Manchester, NH on Election Day, I ran into H Bomb reporter Jenna Mellor ‘08 trying to get an interview with an Edwards staffer (she ended up talking with some of...
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Eulogy
New Zealander Sir Edmund Hillary (1919-2008) was the first man, along with his Sherpa, to reach the top of Mt. Everest in 1953. When he finally came down he famously said to fellow mountaineer George Lowe, “Well George, we finally knocked the bastard off.” Edmund, you cheeky bastard. Here are a few things he may have said when he first reached the top. “Goddamn, this better be...
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Ann Coulter Sainted!
This past Tuesday, the Vatican announced that it would canonize news pundit Ann Coulter. Pope Benedict XVI seemed excited about their new inductee. “[Coulter] has worked miracles uniting the church against Jews, liberals, 9/11 widows, and John Edwards,” said his holiness at her induction party last Saturday. He trailed off, saying “it reminds of my youth in Germany, those were the...
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Stories from the Granite State
I was in New Hampshire this weekend, volunteering for the John Edwards campaign, and in the midst of all the hours of phone calls I made, I came across these two gems (and keep in mind these are Democratic voters): Me: “Hi, my name is Brian and I’m a volunteer for John Edwards—” Voter: “I’m not voting. All the candidates are terrible, and one of them is an...
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My Plan
My Plan for the Next 3 Hours (Instead of Finishing My Sociology Final Exam Paper). (This may or may not be similar to my plan every night). 08:47pm Write a list for On Harvard Time’s new blog. 08:55pm Check my cell phone for texts. 08:56pm Check my email. 08:57pm Go to weather.com. Compare the weather in Miami to Cambridge. Laugh. 09:05pm Check my email. 09:06pm Hit refresh. 09:06pm Hit...
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Gov Department Attempts Humor
As part of an extended attempt to make themselves look cool, the Gov Department has released an “Office” spoof, entitled “The Department.” Now we know what they’re doing when they’re not paying any attention to their students. The premise is that the Gov Department is merging with the Kennedy School, and there are tensions between them and the K-School staff, as...
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Welcome
Welcome to the new On Harvard Time blog. On Harvard Time is Harvard’s Comedy News Show, with new episodes premiering every Sunday night during the school year. The blog will provide a constant stream of humorous takes on Harvard and “real-world” news, as well as fictional comedic pieces and the latest On Harvard Time updates. Now even during our off-weeks, you’ll never be...